WHY CANT I

Tuesday, April 18, 2006 , 10:49 PM

found a blogskin that really suits me cos something happen and i cant seems to get into my blog.. so.. have to change it... but the theme is stating what i am thinking now.. I WANT TO DIE! dont be shocked.. but that's my "reality".. the world now is almost meaningless for me.. except.. i cant afford to let down my parents..

remember once when i told my mother that i am afraid i would get depression.. i had few of the symptoms.. one of which which triggers my mother's emotion.. "i want to die" my mum panic.. and she started to cry.. i really dont know what to do at the moment.. told her.. i dont have the courage to do it.. she talked to me.. told me never to think of that again.. that's right.. i really dont have the courage to commit suicide..

also i remember once when i was eating dinner at my parents shop.. we were looking at our palm.. trying to be a fortune teller and see what the future awaits us.. i found the "life line- sheng ming xian"..quite long..

me: " wa.. still got so long ar.. i still want to die early"

dad: look at me - blur and shocked

mum: "die liao.. siao alr" then laugh and look away guess..

at the moment.. my mum is very worried.. worried about what i will do to harm myself..

hehe.. its not funny.. i know.. what had happened to me.. i really dont know.. dont know whether i will be happy a not.. i want to cry.. but no tears came out.. help me.. pls.. i guess maybe time will help heal my wounds.. wounds that i dont even know what they are...

anyway.. went to dental today.. dentist said he had to get one of my teeth out of the way first.. if not i will just keep biting on it.. and there would be no progress.. maybe.. cos my brackets kept breaking.. my sis will be taking out her braces the next visit if her brackets dont break.. after that.. we sure took a long time to make our next appointment.. cos i dont know what time my school will ends.. ai.. bought a jeans after that.. at $39.90..think will pay $10 for my parents.. they might yell at me if they know i bought such ex pants..

derrick came to our house.. order pizza.. talk and laugh..

dreading the arrival of tmr.. cos that's the day orientation starts.. dont really think it would be fun.. or any better of the orientations i had over the years.. from what regina is saying.. i think i m going to hate it..look at the dull colours.. and you will know what i am feeling now